Friday!!!

Yes, it's time for the first post in the new blog. Hold on tight, it's gonna be a whopper of a starting post.

~gets up on his soapbox and pushes a button that says "Rant Mode Engaged"~
Yes, it's true, I am going to let Cindy and the boys stay with me for a couple weeks once she moves back up here until she finds a new apartment for herself and the boys. Now, pretty much everyone, even , understands that I'm doing this to make sure that the boys are taken care of, and that's all they see it as. They seem to understand that I'm willing to put up with pretty much anything to make sure that Joey and Mikey are taken care of and are safe.

However, there is one person in particular that seems to think that I'm a dumbass, that I should be looking into all these other options and ways to take care of the boys. They don't bother to realize that I HAVE looked into those options, and this is the only one that's viable for me at this point in time. Everyone else that I've told, even my parents, sees what I'm doing as me being a father that actually cares about the well-being of his children and is willing to do what it takes to make sure that they are taken care of, that I'm being nice and considerate about the whole thing and actually doing the responsible thing, the adult thing, and putting the differences that Cindy and I have aside, putting aside all of the problems that Cindy and I have and the pain that Cindy's caused me so that I KNOW that my boys are well taken care of and safe.

It bothers me that this person can't seem to grasp that the only reason that I have been even considering letting Cindy stay with me is because of the boys, because out of all of the things in the world that I have to take care of, the boys take priority over everything else, even if it means that I have to live with Cindy again for a short time. Either this person doesn't care about the reasons why I am, even though I tried to explain them, or they just are too damn stubborn to actually LISTEN to why I'm doing it.

Many people don't know this, but Cindy did have a son before she and I met. She decided to join the Marines and gave primary custody of her son to his father. Now his father prevents her from seeing her first son, for reasons that I don't know. I know how much it's hurt Cindy having to go through that, and I know that she's afraid that I would do that to her if I was to have primary custody of the boys. (I wouldn't, of course, but that's not the point that I'm getting at.) I've seen what it's been like for Cindy, the depression that she's gone through, and even with all of the things that Cindy has done to me, I do care about Cindy and about her well-being, both physical and mental, and I'm not going to put Cindy through that again. I want her to be a part of Joey and Mikey's life as much as I want to be part of their life, and I am NOT going to take that away from her.

What makes it even worse is that this person is someone that I care about and I treasure their friendship, and yet because of this situation, the person is creating a rift in our friendship and basically making me feel like our friendship doesn't matter to them anymore. It bothers me that this person is so fucking stubborn and hard-headed that all they want to see is me letting myself be used by Cindy, that her wanting to come back up here as a play by Cindy to get me back into her life. Well, like it or not, Cindy is ALWAYS going to be a part of my life. She is the mother of my children, and I will always have to deal with her in one way or another. It's like they don't fucking realize that where Cindy is now, in Dixon, she has no way to get the boys to the doctor, other than bringing them up here, that Cindy's parents and sister are not helping her at all with watching the boys, that life down there in Dixon is NOT BETTER for my boys than it is here.

It bothers me that this person can't fucking grow up and understand that I'm thinking of the well-being of my children, that I don't want to get back together with Cindy. Had I wanted to be back with Cindy, I would take her back with open arms and would NOT have told her that she has to find an apartment on her own once she moves back up here. I explained to Cindy that she and I will not be living together permanently, that I am only helping her until she can find a place of her own. It really fucking bothers me that this person tries to make me feel fucking guilty for wanting to spend time with my children, which in turn means that I have to see Cindy as well. And yet, this person tells me that I'm acting fucking childish because I sit here and try to explain my reasons for doing what I do, not giving excuses for what I do, but explaining why I do the things that I do. This person is making me feel like it's either I be friends with them and ignore my children, or I be with my children and lose them as a friend. I hate to say it, but it's a pretty easy decision for me to make, in all honesty, because I will choose my children 10 out of 10 times, because no one in the world is more important to me than the boys.

Oh well, if this particular person doesn't want to be around me or be friends with me, that's their decision and I'm not going to try and fight it anymore. I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy all the time, when it seems like all it ends up doing is pissing people off and making them mad at me.

~pushes the button again and disengages the rant mode~

I hope everyone has a good weekend! I'm planning on staying home all weekend, trying to stay out of the heat. If you do have to go outside, be careful out there, especially if you live in the Kansas City area, cause it's gonna be a hot one out there.